Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 3 (written on Day 4)

I feel better and my clothes already seem to fit better, even though its only been a couple of days and according to the scale i haven't lost any weight at all, so I'm wondering how much of dieting is really psychological, how much of dieting is really in your head. It's hard to want to stick with it when you push yourself and go hungry and do everything you're supposed to do and don't see any result physically but I physically feel better, so what's going on? 
Day 2 and 3's word count was 1,000 words each. Again, with pushing myself to do it. All the writing mentors I've met with, on the page and in real life, have always said 'Just show up at the page and do it'. Just show up at the page. that's what I've been doing and it seems to be working too, to an extent although I'm not writing the 3000 words a day I want to be writing. sometimes I have to push myself for just a couple hundred words, but it seems to be about pushing blocks out of the way first, pushing those few blocks of words out of the way to get the rest of the story stream to flow out of my head and into the story I'm writing. and yesterday, when I was writing on 'Dream Warrior', I did get the feeling that other writers and mentors have talked about and that was the feeling of channeling, as if I were having a vision (yeah, the so-called 'mystical' part of writing) and simply transcribed it as the character moved her way through her section of story I was writing down. I just have to keep going and see what's uncovered. it's not unlike excavating, like how an archeologist must feel. I know some exotic treasure is laying beneath it's surface: the exotic and exciting treasure of my body, the sparkling colors of buried gem-stories which have been buried so long under the dirt and shit I've shoveled over them over the years. 
Like in 'The Artist's Way', why do we willingly, even eagerly sabotage ourselves? Why do we internalize all the bad things people tell us about ourselves? Why shovel dirt over treasure? Or in the case of some of the other choices I've made in my life, particularly in relationships: Why cast pearls before swine? It's like hiding yourself from yourself and that makes no sense so why do we do it? 
It takes a lot of time, much longer than a couple of days to undo damage and negative thinking and self-sabotage.  

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