Saturday, October 9, 2010

Day Two--Stream of Consciousness Ramble


It’s just the first day but I already feel remarkably lighter and different. I remember what I read about diets like these and how they’re called crash diets for a reason. But I do feel different, and I just hope that I can keep this going for the next 13 days. I really want to see what I look like after I lose 20 pounds. I’m shrinking my stomach. I feel almost religious and like I'm undertaking something holy.  I want the body back that I remember. I look in the mirror and I want to cry. I never thought I’d ever let things get this bad. But I have seriously packed on the pound.  Right now I’m staving off hunger by drinking water. I’m feeling ‘empty’ but not lightheaded. I think when you start feeling hungry it means you’re burning up your body fat. Losing 60 pounds. 3500 words. Yeah that part is the tricky part, way more challenging than the staving off of hunger. That part is challenging, the keeping hunger away part, but the writing of the 3500 words seems like a huge, excuse me, bite of something maybe more than I can chew. If I can discipline myself to stave off the hunger and discipline myself to eat only this soup, then I can discipline myself to write as much as possible.
I started taking notes on The Artist’s Way, and thinking about the class that I’m going to be teaching in the Spring. The Artist’s Way is something that I usually try to go through about once a year, but there’s something about my life up here that makes me feel slow, like I’m moving through molasses. I know that’s not an uncommon thing for blocked stuck or otherwise glued up writers. That’s the best way I can describe how it feels, glued up. It’s not that I’m completely blocked, I’m not, I’ve written a lot and made progress on my different projects, but it’s not the kind of progress I should be making with my kind of abilities and discipline, and I know I have those things. Maybe even some talent too. Okay, I KNOW I’m talented, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be doing this at all and it would all off it everything be a huge waste of time for me.
So, the matter becomes what is holding me back? 
I thought I was lonely in grad school, I didn’t know what lonely was until after I graduated.
It’s surprising that I didn’t overeat then, although I know I did my fair share of comfort eating, I didn’t gain an obscene amount of weight like I did when I moved up here to be with Brian. I was okay at a reasonable 130-135 pounds.
It’s just that now I’m really uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable and I hate the way I look. I really like my curves, but not the way they look now. I always thought I had a kind of healthy body image. But what I see in the mirror isn’t healthy. It’s fat, plain and simple and fat. It’s not about body acceptance or gaining society approval, it’s the plain simple and unvarnished fact that I have plumpness where there wasn’t before, and rolls where there wasn’t before. I have a roundness in my belly where I can actually comfortably fit my hand underneath this—what way to describe it—this BALL that has appeared where my relatively flat-ish stomach used to be. It really does look like I’m pregnant. I’m doing it because I’m uncomfortable and I cry when I look in the mirror and that should be reason enough. Because my stomach never used to stick out like this. Because my ass never used to stick out so much. I mean it was always big, but not like this. I look disproportionate. My boobs are huge and they look small compared to my stomach. My bras don’t fit anymore and neither do a lot of my clothes except for some of the never ones I bought in Elko a couple of weeks ago. When I put on one of my bras, it doesn’t cover the whole breast, like at all, and parts of my boob squeeze out the other side. I mean, that’s just gross.  Will I seem like a totally calorie obsessed neurotic? Will I sound like the very thing I want the most NOT to sound like? Is this really a good way to lose weight and become a better writer? I mean, stranger things have been tried, haven’t they?
And just because my first day went sort of well, at least not bad, doesn’t mean I won’t have moments of weakness, or defeat. I understand that. But having a new body and new perspective on life are both still really worthy goals worth having.
Plus what I’ve learned that helps me is that this diet is kind of like a fast, so I looked up fasting from a Yoga perspective and I’m trying to learn some more about that as I’m going along. People fast for a variety of different reasons, some political some personal (and yes, we should all know that the personal is political.) Fasting is a kind of meditation. Writing is a kind of mediation. It should all be a kind of spiritual undertaking, spiritual enhancement. That’s a worthy goal, in my opinion and that’s something I can at least try to do. It’s a path, and we’ll see where this one goes. 

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