Skip to main content

The Ship of Myself (Depression, Part 1)






I started taking Prozac about a week before the election, when I was relatively optimistic about the election results. I never thought I’d look back on that as a time when I was relatively together. I recognize that depression is bigger than I am, and that I need help and intervention outside myself. I can only do so much on my own. I’ll post a list of some of the self care ideas I’ve been using shortly. I didn’t see it as a premonition then but now I wonder. I’ve always had a kind prescience about some things, and I really wonder if my consciousness was setting off some kind of: "Iceberg, right ahead!" warning before the ship of myself crashed headlong into destruction, ripping a hole in my heart enough o let me sink.
I’ve always had issues with depression. I’ve been on anti-depressants before. I’m barely moving. The week after, I’ve at least regained the ability to go to work and act like a semi-functional human being. Wednesday the 9th and Thursday the 10th were difficult days, and I went through them like a zombie, feel like I was carrying around a giant hole in my heart, like a shotgun blast. It’s amazing to me that no one ever said anything, no one seemed to notice that I’m just faking it over here. I know, people have their own stuff to deal with and I shouldn’t expect people to recognize my own personal signs of falling, even while at the same time I work hard to make it look like I’m not drowning.
Does anyone ever stop to think just how easy it is deceived people into thinking we’re okay? Itsn’t it amazing how much just one smile can hide?
When the sadness gets too much, I shut down. Like I did last night. After a day of PD at work, and then a visit to my next job, when I was finally allowed to go home, I just crawled under the covers and stayed there. This morning, I’m trying to dig my way out. I’ve cleaned up some of the dirty dishes in the sink, did a load of laundry, straightened up avalanches of toppling books and notebooks. Will sweep the kitchen and mop the floor. Started a fire in the kitchen oven and in the living room fireplace (we use wood stove heat for much of the house.) And there’s something satisfying about completing these small tasks, but still, when they’re done, I meet myself at the other end.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Irish Books; Strong Female Characters; Book Inscriptions

Irish Books; Strong Female Characters; Book Inscriptions

Happy St. Patty's Day! Today, I am Irish for 24 hours. As everyone must know, I am a fan of lists, so here's list of top 10 Irish characters, top female characters in different genres, and book inscriptions from the awesome folks over at Shelf Awareness. Enjoy! If you are feeling Irish inspired today, and own a Kindle, there's a number of Irish/Celtic fairy tales and myths you can download for free.

A-Z Challenge "X" is for "X-Files"

Day twenty three and the letter "X" for the A-Z Blog Challenge. If this is your first time here, my A-Z challenge is based on Urban Legends, and follows the life of a small town Nevada reporter, Adele.
If you are stopping by from the challenge (or anywhere else, like the Parajunkee Hop or Facebook)-feel free to join the Bluestocking Club, or follow me on Twitter! I have a brand spanking new Facebook Page, so the more "likes" the better! Thanks everyone for all your comments, I am still trying to catch up, but if you leave your blog url, I *will* get to you!

Adele's story continues....


There's been a lot of speculation over the years about the existence of the secret branch of the government, specifically the FBI, known as the X Files. A government agency dedicated to strange, unusual, and possibly the paranormal. What better place to hide this supposed branch of government, but a stretch of desert that no one cares about and no one really knows exists (and pro…

The not so final word on 50 shades

There's a lot of hype, in case you've lived under a rock, about 50 Shades of Grey. Perhaps you've heard of this book somewhere? Well, I've heard mixed reviews about it and I found out a few facts that were puzzling to me.
One--that this book started out as Twilight fan fic. Say what?! What's amazing is that someone thought that writing Twilight fan fic was a GOOD idea. Second...really? Apparently the characters are so close in personality to the infamous Twilight characters, that would be enough to turn me off. Ana is a self-depreciating weak willed character who lets her life be run by Edward. I mean, Christian. I hate weak female characters that stay weak through the whole series. It's okay if you begin a story weak, then experience something, then learn from it, then change into someone stronger, but to not learn anything at all about yourself and always put a guy's needs in front of yours all the time is just plain silly and sends really the wrong mess…